Winter's Bittersweet Caress
by youkai chick supreme
Summary: It happened so long ago, it all seems like a distant dream to me now. It was snowing when you touched me for the very first time. Inuyasha x Kikyou flashback.


Disclaimer: I own nothing but this idea, the order of the words, not the characters themselves though.

This is AU I guess, since it doesn't follow the plot of the series. Hmm… actually it really isn't.

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Winter, such a cold and dismal time, the season of death. Trees die, everything dies. Frozen rain falls relentlessly from the sky. A sky that is dark, gray, relentless. Like her eyes… Winter. My favorite season. Winter. The season that brought meaning into my life. The season that started my heart on fire. Winter, the season that broke my heart into a thousand bitter pieces. Winter.

Winter was when I met her. Winter was when I loved her. Winter was when she left me behind. Frozen tears covered us, continuously. They equalized everything. An equalized world where no one was different, no one was unique. No one was tortured for their diversity. We were all equals, except of course me. The snow could never hide who I was, what I was… The snow could never hide me from my endless enemies, no matter how much fell.

It was snowing when I met her, flakes resting on her ebony mane, sparkling brightly. Some reached her eyelashes, enhancing her ethereal look. I thought I was dreaming. Surely this angelic woman was a figment of my warped, rundown mind. I was torturing myself, wishing for someone I could never really have. I was wishing for the one thing I could never really have. Love.

But she was real. She looked at me, straight at me, and I was exposed. I flinched, counting down the seconds in my mind before she'd scream, curse me, and run. The moment never came. She just looked at me, with her haunting, dark eyes. They taunted me, inviting me to come closer, unworthy though I was. Her mouth said differently though.

"You… you are only half." The timbre of her voice was rich and deep, an earthy baritone. It captivated me. Then her words sunk in. Only half. Indeed, I was only half. Silently I cursed my parents for loving each other, for marrying when it was clearly forbidden, for producing a bastard of a son… I am a monster. And, not for the first time, I questioned why I was born.

I hated them. Somewhere deep down inside, I hated both of them. Of course I loved them, for they first loved me, but I resented them so much. How dare they create such an abomination, unleash it into the world, and leave it all alone? How dare they die, when I was still a child, and leave me here? Why couldn't they have taken me with them? Why did I have to live on…? It's too hard! It was something no child should ever have to endure… Hatred for simply being born.

I smirked sadistically, hoping I looked as intimidating as I didn't feel. Instead I felt cold and insignificant inside. I hoped she'd leave soon, but I hoped she'd stay too. This was torture for me, standing so close to her, but being so far away. I wanted to touch her. To feel her cool alabaster skin against my callused, undeserving hands, it would be all I needed. If I could just touch her once, it would be enough to last me a lifetime.

But I won't ever touch her. I know my place, it's at her feet, begging like I dog that I am. And like any well trained, loyal animal, I loved my mistress. I truly did, with all the love my twisted, broken heart could muster up, I loved her. I used to watch her from afar. She was kind and caring, she was well liked. People loved her; you couldn't know her without loving her. But she was sad too. Masked behind her porcelain façade, she was terribly sad and lonely. I knew that loneliness all too well. It made up my whole life.

"So what if I am? What're you going to do about it? Kill me? Just try, ningen, just fuckin' try." I cracked my knuckles threateningly as I thought over my word choice. I hadn't meant to say that, not at all. I wanted to sound smart, caring, loving even. I wanted to be the type of man that she'd want. It was stupid, impossible even, but I wanted her to love me so badly.

Hell, to be honest, I wanted anyone to love me. I wanted to come home to a smiling face. I wanted a warm body to embrace mine, enveloping me in loving warmth. I wanted someone to welcome me home, say they were worried about me, and be glad that I returned to them. I just didn't want to be alone anymore. I never wanted to be alone.

Smiling, she stepped closer. "Now why would I want to kill you? You've done me no harm, to the best of my knowledge. I was just making an observation, calm yourself." And to my surprise, I did. Her voice had such a lilting quality to it; I couldn't resist myself, I was hanging on her every word.

I don't know how long I stood there, snow continuously falling, landing on my exposed ears and face, burning me with cold fire. All the while, she smiled. That smile seemed to exude warmth, and I felt my face grow hot from staring into hers for so long. Did she know? Did she know I watched her from afar? Did she know I had fallen for her? More importantly, did she care?

"What's your name?" The question came so suddenly it nearly knocked me off my foundation. Why would she care? What did my name matter if she was trying to kill me? Should I tell her, could I actually bring myself to trust her enough to tell her? I could and I did.

"Inuyasha, what a… interesting name." She hesitated ever so slightly, almost undetectable, but I caught it. I caught her hidden meaning as clear as if she had come right out and said it. She was disgusted, she was just like everyone else after all. God what I fool I had been. I was ready to trust her. Fuck, I was ready to confess my undying love, me, who didn't even believe in love, only to have everything thrown back in my face; everything I wasn't. I wasn't whole, I wasn't lovely, I wasn't kind, I wasn't even human. God, I wasn't anything. I truly was worthless, just as everyone had told me.

"Keh." I suddenly found my arms crossed over my chest. When did that happen? I didn't remember slipping my hands into my sleeves and resting then against my torso. She smiled again, and I found my arms slipping down to rest at my sides, having lost all strength at that lovely sound, her laughter. She was laughing, but not at me. It wasn't a cruel, mocking, hateful sound, such as the laughs I usually heard. It was a beautiful little giggle of a laugh. It was charming, delightful, captivating. It made me want to do anything that would allow me to hear it again. God, what control did this mere mortal have over me?

Her voice shook me roughly from my troubling thoughts. How did she do that? Was she really a mortal after all?

"You know, I've seen you watching me, hiding behind the leaves of the Goshinboku." I froze completely at the truth of that statement, at her keen awareness. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I clearly am not as stealthy as I though. She is going to kill me…She must have caught my stricken expression, because she paused a moment to smirk before she continued.

"You think you're sneaky, but I can read you like a book. I know you have feelings for me… it's okay, you know? To feel. It's okay." Her words pierced my heart, her gentle tone soothing yet scathing simultaneously. She stood there, waiting for me to answer her. But I had no idea of what to say.

"I… I love you." My God! How did those words escape? They were all wrong, everything was wrong! I promised myself when mother died I'd never tell another living soul, especially a woman, those three most precious words! How could I be so foolish, so reckless! No, no, this was all wrong.

"I know." I know? What the hell kind of answer is "I know"? Oh God, this is worse than any rejection. And of course she will reject me, that's not even a question in my mind. But what does she mean by I know? How could she know, how the hell did she know? Was I that transparent? God, I'm more of a fool than I thought. I really am worthless… not even able to hide my stupid human emotions.

"I know. I know you have a great emptiness inside, where a heart should be. I know you're broken and lonely, such as I am. I know you feel useless, incomplete, tainted, blank. I wish to fill your heart. I wish to complete you, heal your bleeding heart. I know you probably won't believe me when I say this, but I love you too. Perhaps even more than you love me."

She was right, I couldn't believe her. I stood there motionless, trying to let her beautiful words sink in. How could someone like her love someone like me? I am nothing but an abomination, while she is the purest of pure. To even touch me would taint her beyond recognition. Surely I heard something wrong, my ears must have misunderstood her, though they've never been wrong before. I had to be wrong. She could never love a freak like me.

So I simply stared at her, not believing my ears, my eyes not quite seeing, my vision blurring at the corners as a wetness gathered there. Was I crying? Was I really crying? I hadn't cried in over a century… Not since mother passed. Could I actually be crying now? I prayed to the God I wasn't quite sure really existed that I wasn't as I saw her move forward.

Too caught up in my silent prayers, I didn't notice her quick approach. Or perhaps it wasn't quick, maybe I was just too distracted to notice her. She pressed herself against me before I could blink the wetness away, and pressed her lips roughly against mine. My eyes involuntarily widened in shock, before simply accepting her words as true, and I closed them tightly, wishing and hoping against all odds that I wasn't dreaming.

If I was, I never woke up, because I still felt her embracing me, loving me that way I always wanted someone to. If I was dreaming, I never wanted to wake up. God, I don't deserve this. How can this be happening I ask myself. This can't be happening. I must still be asleep in the Goshinboku I realize. I am still dreaming. But even if I am dreaming… I hope I never wake up.

Shifting slightly, I press myself a little closer, rest my hands a little lower on her waist; after all, I might as well enjoy my dream, for in moments I will be awakening all alone, in a tree… But as the seconds dragged on, and I didn't wake up, I began to realize, this is real.

She pulled away slowly, smiling, smirking really, at the stupid smile that had found its way onto my mouth. Grinning like an idiot, I tried to recall her words. Empty, broken, and love flew around in my head. How could this woman love me despite all my flaws? Big, egregious flaws. Flaws that other mortals running in the opposite direction cursing my name. If they stayed around long enough to learn my name that is… Usually they didn't. But hey, what did I care? What did I care that no one cared about me?

Fuck them all anyways…

I can't say that anymore… I can't say that no one cares anymore. She cares. This woman cares for me. She has to, she actually touched me. No one ever touched me before, unless it was to hurt me, to hit me. But those days are decades old. Funny how the pain never really goes away. Funny how even decades later, you still find yourself thinking back, lingering on the hurtful thing people said and did to you. Even when a gorgeous vision of a woman comes and tells you she loves you, you still can't get past what all those people, years ago, said about you. They said you would never find happiness, a lover, a home, and you believed them. Even now, when the girl does love you, you still find yourself second guessing her intentions. Even when you know they're real. Even when you know she loves you, you find yourself skeptical.

I realize I haven't said anything yet, a little belatedly, and struggle to find words, not any special words, just any words at all! Think! Think damn it! It doesn't work, my brain is shit. I can't find anything to say to her.

"I… I don't even know your name." Well, that is one thing that has been troubling me. But that certainly doesn't seem like an adequate response to the searing kiss she's just initiated. Oh well, I never said I was good with women. Like I said before, I expected her to run off screaming eons ago.

She just smiled, tilted her head in an almost feline way, and winked. Still smiling, she ignored my question and simply turned around, robes crinkling from her movement. She began to slowly saunter away, completely ignoring me. Or so I thought.

"Are you coming, Inuyasha?" She turned her head barely a centimeter to the left to look over her shoulder at me before turning it back. The way she said my name, in a way I've never heard before sent a barrage of shivers down my spine. God what control she had over me. Was I so starved for affection that even the slightest bit of love instilled into the pronunciation of my name affected me?

Yes. Yes I was.

So I followed her, I was ready to follow her to anywhere. And I knew, from that day on, whenever she called to me, I would follow. I would follow her to the depths of Hell if she so wished it. And I would do it smiling.

And all the while, it snowed. Winter, my favorite season. Little was I to know that the very day that ended all my happiness was only two months away…

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The End.

A/n: Yes people, that is a Kikyou and Inuyasha fic. :Gasp: Oh the horror! Actually, I like Kikyou. I think she gets the raw end of the deal. Inuyasha gets to live again and travel with a chick in an indecently short skirt… And all Kikyou gets is to be resurrected in some clay body with grave soil. How much does that suck?

I just hate all these bitchy Kikyou's out there, so I decided to show the softer side of Kikyou. Remember, she was alive once, nice once. Call this a flashback if you will, a flashback to happier times with Inuyasha and Kikyou.

Also, I can't remember if they showed Inuyasha's first encounter with Kikyou where they really start talking and calling each other by name, I haven't watched Inuyasha in a while… But if there is an episode… well then, think of this an AU, and if there's not, then this is it! I also realize that I never even said Kikyou's name throughout the whole fic, so if you hate the pairing, then imagine it's someone else. Keh.


End file.
